


The Needle To Her Heart

by TheOceansHorizon1111



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Barry Allen/Caitlin Snow-centric, Depressing, Depression, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Friendship/Love, Heartache, Sad, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, The Flash (TV 2014) Season 3, Tragic Romance, Unrequited Love, Unresolved Emotional Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:27:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27331207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheOceansHorizon1111/pseuds/TheOceansHorizon1111
Summary: It’s the soft pain that hurts the most.  The small needle that is barely felt but still carves in deeper and punctures the skin to the point that it bleeds, and by the time her heart bleeds, there’s no blood left in the veins of her emotions.  That small needle in her heart was Barry Allen.**Trigger Warning: Descriptions of depressive thoughts and self harm!! **Set in Season 3, Caitlin's dealing with having Killer Frost within her, the trauma she had from losing Ronnie and Jay's abusiveness to now her unrequited love for Barry spiraling into a battle between the demons within her and her masked depression. Caitlin/Cisco friendship moments will also be included.
Relationships: Barry Allen/Caitlin Snow, Cisco Ramon/Caitlin Snow, Cisco Ramon/Cindy Reynolds, Jesse "Quick" Wells & Wally West, Killer Frost/Savitar, Ronnie Raymond & Caitlin Snow, Ronnie Raymond/Caitlin Snow
Comments: 11
Kudos: 20





	1. The Prick Of A Needle

The tears are held in, controlled. Trapped in her chest, waiting, patiently, throughout the day. They’re imprisoned, locked, kept in, tucked away. But once she opens the door to her apartment, that’s when it starts to leak and stain her pale cheeks.  
It starts slowly, softly, and for a second she tries to hold it back, bite her tongue and take deep, shaky breaths trying her best to conceal and hide.  
But no one’s here now, no one’s watching, there’s no one to be strong for. Her hands run down her head and she takes a few more shaky breaths. Her hands tremble, her breath quivers, her eyes blur, her head aches, her eyes hurt, her throat feels like it’s been invaded by a nervousness, a gripping tight cold palm wrapped around in the roots of her throat and she can feel it every time she breathes.  
Her eyes dart over the room but it somehow always manages to rest and find its glance laying on the picture of her and Ronnie that’s sitting on the shelf near the couches. Her heart beats faster, her eyes blinking tears, her throat closing in even more, a feeling of despair blossoming from the innards of her hearts that makes its way to her mouth.  
‘’Ronnie…’’ The name comes out softly, without urgency.  
She found herself walking closer, each step difficult, each tingle of emotion and despair catching up to her as she feels it spread from her toes to her fingertips. Her hands touch the picture and she holds it gently. Without thought, she presses the picture against her chest as if it could heal the ever lasting pain in her heart.  
But all there is emptiness. The tears finish dropping, planting wet specks on the floor, and she finally realizes the dull pain in her eyes. She notices the numbness start to crash in when she remembers reality, when the memories come back and plant images into her soft pained mind.  
‘’Ronnie!’’ She yells, momentarily stepping back at the suddenness of her voice. A sense of urgency, a call for help, a signal of anguish and suffering.  
She places the picture back on the shelf, turning her back, looking around. Her eyes close softly, and for a second, her mind transports her to another place. Still standing, her hand instinctively touches the soft exterior of the couch, as her breaths start to ooze out softly and slowly.  
When she closes her eyes she can picture him. His bright eyes lighting up and his mouth forming to shape a smirk, his cheeks blushing as she kisses it, his hand touching hers. She’s next to him as he holds up a baby, who’s cooing at him and raising their little, soft hands trying to touch his face. Caitlin places her lips on the babies forehead before meeting her husbands lips and locking onto them as the joy explodes from her heart and her smile is unstoppable, planting on her face.  
When her eyes open, the image in her mind is gone, taken away. For thoughts and imagination are only qualities of evanescence. Happiness, true happiness seems to be fading away, leaping from her, unattainable but forever running on its little legs and it doesn’t seem like she’s fast enough to catch it.  
For a second the dullness in her head and the tiredness of her eyes start to fade away, she feels genuinely happy to be alive. For a moment, for a second, for half a second, how long was it? She looks up at the clock and 5 minutes have passed, but every minute felt like an eternity in her life.  
That’s when the struggle hits. It’s always when she’s at home. When the thoughts pound her brain and engulf her into their negativity. The thoughts are restless, fleeting, constant, panicking, tiring. The fear of the future is overwhelming, always on her mind, always stressing, pressing onto her chest to the point where she feels like she can barely breathe, and the thoughts that she’d rather not be breathing encompass her mind. For she feels less like a body, but more of skin, blood, and flesh holding onto painful memories that’s about to succumb to the pain and give in.  
‘’I’m done.’’ She mutters softly, but it’s not as if anyone can change what’s happened.  
Except one person. The person that’s locked inside in the dungeon of her soul, imprisoned, and is spreading within her heart’s sadness, consumed with anger and darkness, just begging to come out. And every second the tears are blinking from her eyes, or her tongue is being bit to hold back the pain is every second the person locked inside is knocking on the door of her sanity.  
Killer Frost.  
But it is held back, contained. At least for another time. At least for this moment in time. It’s contained, pushed back, swimming in the inner waters of her heart and mind.  
It’s the soft pain that hurts the most. The small needle that is barely felt but still carves in deeper and punctures the skin to the point that it bleeds, and by the time her heart bleeds, there’s no blood left in the veins of her emotions. That small needle in her heart was Barry Allen.  
When she thought of him a feeling of soft, thin and delicate emotions was felt within her core. There was a longing pang in her chest, and it was like her heart softened to the point where it was melted, dripping, oozing, soft, vulnerable, and she was unable to pick the gooey mess of her soul back to the solid form it once was.  
The last time she’s been happy was when Ronnie kissed her on her wedding day. That memory was now slowly blurring and fading over time as much as she tried to keep it alive. Sometimes she’d sneak out during lunch breaks at Star Labs and go outside to the place where they married. She’d stand in the same place, close her eyes, and reenact the scene in her head. For a split moment, everything could’ve been felt, everything felt real and incredibly happy. But opening her eyes only relieved the pain of reality, and Caitlin noticed that she does it too much.  
Cisco would usually see her out, where his face would turn into a soft expression of love, where his eyes became softer, and his lips tightened as he would walk over, knowing full well what was happening inside of her. He hugged her, and she felt his warm embrace as she grasped onto Cisco’s shoulders, and as much as she loved him, it was difficult for her to accept his love, because even if it meant everything for her, it sometimes felt like it was never going to be enough to end the suffering that pierced her veins and throbbed in her head.  
What happened with Jay especially made life worse for her. For his toxic words still ruminate in her head and haunt her on a daily basis. Even if the feeling has lessened and became better especially with therapy, she still has visions of him being in front of her and grabbing her throat choking her to the point of powerlessness. What was sickening was the attachment she felt looming in her soul to him, despite his toxicness, she was almost addicted to him as a coping method for losing Ronnie and he became a coping method even when she was imprisoned in her prison. A sign of possible Stockholm Syndrome that she had to deal with as well, fighting the feelings of intense fears, the nightmares of Jay’s blue lightning zooming her away and her being powerless to stop him, but also the disgust at herself for still feeling those initial feelings of love she felt for him despite her knowledge of what he truly was. She felt truly manipulated and it’s a feeling of guilt in herself that she lives with.  
She never had her father around during her teen years, so she hadn’t ever have a sense of stability from home, a sense of protection and love that was warmly given on a steady basis from either parent and being in school around strangers in a strange, cruel world made her feel trapped and afraid. Now her fear extended to what was inside her.  
The overcoming fear of her future as Killer Frost hangs over her head on a daily basis, the realization that every day she is a step closer to her inevitable future as a monster, and her inevitable collapse, and each day the darkness within her jolted a bit more, and each day she felt like she was living her last day. Every occasional smile, every hug from Cisco, every shot of whiskey, every moment H.R made a funny joke, every moment she’d see Barry…It could be her last.  
And that’s where things got complicated for her, where things got complicated and confusing, for her feelings for Barry were always there. Subtle, quiet, shy, but burning within with a passion that set the forest in her heart on fire and the abstract smoke from her heart was so strong that it makes her eyes runny just by thinking of him.  
Caitlin didn’t know whether her feelings for Barry were real or just a result of the trauma, to the point where she projected idealized feelings of attachment and protection towards Barry. Perhaps she wanted him to protect her, to hold her in the middle of the night when she woke up from nightmares of losing Ronnie and Jay kidnapping her, maybe she wanted him to place his moist warm lips onto her forehead and promise to keep her safe all the time. Maybe she wanted him to hold her hand and help her fight the battle within, the battle between the demons in her brain and her heart.  
But it seemed that reality comes to settle in and crush all her hope. It was a difficult emotion, the feelings of utter selfishness, that she wanted to be the woman who was about to be killed by the hands of Savitar. Yet even if both their fates were intertwined, one with death and one with death inside that causes a surrendering to evil, Iris and Caitlin never were close and never could be close. There always a weird intersection between them, where the conversations would always stale and things would feel awkward, so Caitlin avoids Iris whenever she sees her sitting alone drinking coffee.  
But maybe it’s Caitlin’s love for Barry that caused her to avoid Iris. The guilt of the whole situation, the suppressed feelings of infatuation for Barry, and the knowledge that she was in love with someone who was in love with Iris since the early age of 11.  
Nothing was going to compare to Iris for Barry, and Caitlin knew that. That’s why whenever she saw them together, she was very supportive to both of them, trying to be as pure and of the light as she can be. But just because she was mature and compassionate in dealing with her hidden feelings, the underlying feelings of jealousy would always cut loose when she was alone and the thoughts that were suppressed would pounce on her in the middle of the night or when she was taking a shower.  
She was jealous and that was part of the anger that drove Killer Frost and made her stronger within her. Even if Killer Frost was suppressed it was only getting stronger inside her, secretly, concealed, deeply hidden within, the secret getting stronger with every passing day. She wanted Barry to look at her the way he looked at Iris with deep passion, eyes that smoldered and looked into Iris’ eyes and went straight to her heart, trapping his pupils in the admiration of her smile. His cheeks would redden like an apple and spread across, like a painting that’s being softly painted to project the beauty of its beholder. Those red paintings on his cheek were never seen when he looked at her, and the smile that plasters over his face with no effort when he looked at Iris was never the same when he looked at her.  
And yet, despite that, every small moment and memory spent with Barry, possibly with deluded and idealized emotions, felt just as powerful as Ronnie felt to her, and never to the toxic addictiveness that she felt towards Jay. For however small it be, just by looking at his pale skin and his brown hair and his goofy, quirky smile spreading on his face made her giddy inside her and it was hard to suppress her laughs that she felt whenever she saw him. A tiny moment where he’d crack a joke at her or a tiny moment where he would ask her if she was doing alright were moments that made her life feel worthwhile, where she felt a connection, a sense of stability, a sense of peace, and there was deep power in that peace.  
She still remembers it well. Being surrounded by her anger, and her darker emotions that consumed her to the point where she smiled at the brokenness of her pain and almost found an identity in the dark depressiveness that she held within. Her anger and her sensitive hurt emotions would cascade in an avalanche that completely covered the innocence of her humble and soft nature, this avalanche was of vengeance, a need, a desire, an utmost priority to spread the pain that was given her.  
That was when Killer Frost had first really taken control of her, where she was numbed and consumed by the anger within her that was always usually kept in, tucked in, hidden, concealed and not allowed to be deeply felt. Suppression only made the anger worse, and it only made things more difficult even if suppression felt like the most logical to do.  
When she was consumed by that, it was Barry who saved her. Feeling his warm hand grab her cold, icy hand and place the icicle next to his heart. For that’s when she felt all the love inside her start to come about and take over her.  
She loved him. Even if it was an idealized, deluded love brought from her feelings of trauma and need for attachment, protection. She still loved him. And when the sounds of cracking came from the icicle breaking onto the floor, she couldn’t stop but hug him, grab his shoulders, feel his warm breaths on her skin as he’d stroke her back.  
‘’You’re gonna be okay, Cait.’’ Barry said gently, and every time he called her Cait, her heart would start to ooze again but it was bittersweet. For with love comes joy but with love comes pain, so the pain caught put to her as if they were racing. Her love for him was only met by the bitter soft needle that was Barry Allen.  
She could only hold onto the small moments they had together while Iris, on the other hand, got to have every second of him, kissing him, touching him, feeling him within her. Caitlin couldn’t help but feel that if her soul photographed every second with Barry and captured it into the memory book of her heart, perhaps then if she was in Iris’ place she would appreciate Barry even more, every kiss would be appreciated, every word of love would be felt and would be beautiful.  
She liked to imagine his hand caressing her back with his soft electric finger tips that would pierce from her back with excitement and rush to her heart. His lips would move softly onto her body as the built up tension would be released from all the soft, sensitive parts of her skin. To feel him within her, connecting within her, piercing in her veins and existing inside her heart and her mind.  
The jealousy that Iris had this but she didn’t was starting to consume her, and the desperate feelings of trying to be respectful and polite was coursing within her, but the anger was also surging when she was alone and it was difficult to suppress them. The thoughts of Barry grabbing Iris and placing his hand on her waists as he kissed her bothered Caitlin because she could almost hear the smack of his lips within Iris and Iris releasing a breath of pleasure and those imagined sounds would make Caitlin tremble, her hands would shake and her breath would be unsteady, rapid, fast, scared, anxious.  
She glanced at the mirror, and her pupils, usually brown as hot chocolate were now white, icy cold, the reflection of water frozen over time and reflecting the sun’s light. Killer Frost was resurfacing within her brain, and it felt like there was no way out.  
Thinking of Ronnie’s death, thinking of Jay’s abuse, thinking of Barry and Iris made Caitlin feel like it was time to let in the darkness, to not keep it shut out, to let it come within to destroy her, because she was already destroyed within her love for Barry and destroyed from the pressing, haunting memories of her past. The anger is surfacing, like water that’s slowly reaching higher pressures, boiling inside her, and shaking every bone and vein in her body. It’s rattling in the depths of her heart.  
‘’Please, Barry, just love me…I’ll give anything for you to love me.’’ Caitlin muttered in her breath, softly, with pained words that escape her mouth, all the while consuming her. ‘’I just want to be okay. I just want to be happy.’’  
Her eyes remained pale white, with the glazed ice in her pupils remaining still and seeming to not be evanascent, but instead constant and steady. It was consuming her, and it seemed like the way out would need to be decided soon.  
Caitlin clenched her eyes together as if closing them would get rid of the pain, but the reality was that with the darkness the shades of her eyelids provided her only gave worse pain, worse darkness. For when her eyes are closed, that’s where pain remains.  
That’s when the cupboard that she knows so well is opened, with the small blade lying on the top of the couple of backup birthday cards she’s placed there. Her hands shake a bit when she touches the black handle of the small knife, and places it in front of her, with feelings of sadness and uncertainty coming over her.  
It was selfish that was for sure. Cisco would probably burst into tears if he knew, and Barry would definitely disapprove, but the pain would overwhelm Caitlin, and it was her only way of releasing all the feelings that she kept pent up. For the blade gave her control in her life that was uncontrollable. She couldn’t control that Ronnie die and was sacrificed, she couldn’t control that they didn’t have the memories they planned to have. She couldn’t control that Jay manipulated her and turned her into a monster giving her constant paranoia and fear that she had to deal with every day. She couldn’t control that the darkness and anger would come over her and she’d turn into the person that she feared, the angry vengeful woman with pale white hair flowing and a warm gentle heart turned course and cold.  
She couldn’t control who Barry loved and she couldn’t control the obvious fact that Barry and Iris were…Were always meant to be. Iris deserved Barry, it was only Caitlin’s longing for Barry that made her angry at Iris, and she wasn’t angry at Iris for being Iris, her own feelings of self hatred and pain clouded her feelings over Iris. And she would always be sweet and polite towards Iris and she felt a need to punish herself. To punish herself for being a monster inside, for being Killer Frost, to punish herself for strongly being in love with Barry whose love was for a woman whom she had nothing but anger towards. Iris didn’t deserve her anger and that’s why Caitlin desperately craved punishment, to also punish her feelings of jealousy.  
Despite being a doctor, she found her understanding of the body even more acute and perceptive when she pressed the blade against her arm. And she was soft when she pressed it against her skin, she wasn’t much for instant pain, she liked the subtle, burning feel that came over with time. Her icy eyes looked on as her skin would slowly swell and each mark of the cut would become darker with each press of the knife. The stinging, burning rush was nothing to the feelings of hell that she felt pierce within her. 30 minutes go by of consistent presses of the knife against swelling, pale skin, turning the mark darker, and for sure leaving a scar.  
Her eyes still white and icey, the internal struggle settling in, but the heat from the wound and the euphoria of the after effects made her calm and relaxed. She felt steady again. The red wound on her arm wasn’t bleeding but it was quite obviously cut, but the lines slowly were visibly having been the words, all in capital letters: HELP ME.  
The healing powers of her meta human counterpart helped in healing the wound quickly so her smooth pale skin was normal and she didn’t have to deal with the constant need to wear sleeves to cover her arms, which would probably get someone suspicious had they paid enough attention.  
But despite Killer Frost being in control long enough to heal her wounds, the relief and steadiness from the pain allowed Caitlin to feel that the suppressed emotions were now controlled and dealt with, it allowed Caitlin to feel that she’s expressed her pent up deeper emotional pain, and that feeling of emotional expression from the knife gives her enough mental stability that her eyes flicker back to brown, in control, stable, very different from the controlling coldness of her icy glossed eyes.  
She feels relaxed now, slightly numb, but a sense of peace and fake perceived joy come within her. What a toxic, horrible, unhealthy cycle that led to the deluded feelings of being okay, but it’s the emotional pain that led her to this state. The mind agonizing pain of loneliness and suppressed emotions that led her to the cruelty that she put herself through in a desperate need for control, an addiction that came as her problem solver.  
As a doctor, she knew about the mental affects of her unhealthy and depressive behavior. But no matter how much she knew she was destroying herself day by day, inside and physically, it was not enough to stop her from letting herself drown in the sea and ocean of pain as the waves would wash up her dead soul on the shore.  
‘’I just want the pain to stop…’’ She muttered softly, as she walked over to her bed, collapsing onto the sheets and sliding into the warmth of her pillow.  
Her body sprawled as she lets her eyes slowly close and try to think of nothing. Just nothing. Or at the very least have thoughts of relaxation, the thoughts of a tv show running in her head, playing out episodes of Friends and imagining the canned laughter or a book that she read on doing surgery/medicine combinations, anything to paint over the thoughts of her impending and crushing emotions.  
She felt her body slowly numb as she drifted to sleep, but there were words escaping her half awake mind and her pained soul. ‘’I just want the pain to stop…’’


	2. The Sting Of A Needle

Deadening emptiness would wash over when she looked into the mirror touching her face, feeling the smooth pale skin against her fingertips, analyzing her luscious brown hair, before squirming at the reflection, her fingertips eventually pressing and locking onto her cheek in irritation, pinching it.   
‘’Why aren’t you Iris?’’ She would ask the mirror, imagining Iris’s beautiful brown skin and black hair, comparing it to the opposite color scheme of hers and intrusive thoughts of Barry’s lips pressed against Iris’s skin trapped Caitlin in an endless cycle of jealousy.  
Deep breaths, deep breaths seemed to help. A clearing of the mind, focus on your chest going up and down, feel the warmth of the air, look at how the light shines on the room or how sweet the air feels when it meets the lungs and dances with it to form a living being. Focus on the clarity of your mind. Focus on how happy he is and how you would sacrifice everything for that cute, dorky smile that would spread on his face and penetrate into your heart’s every drumming beat.   
And she respected Iris, whose voice oozed with dripping confidence, whose eyes would positively radiate from the pupils, whose strength was seen in her posture, her chest sticking out, her arms by her side. A woman destined to die, who lived every moment of her life a fearless bravery, hiding the fears of a mortal being, whose strength was minuscule compared to the strength of the fastest man alive, and yet whose strength lay in her love for Barry. Barry wasn’t a hero without Iris, and Caitlin knew that.  
Maybe that’s why she felt she was better off gone far away, because it felt like the monster inside her was growing and if that monster ever came out and took over the wheels of the crashing car she was driving, not only would that car crash but also hurt innocent lives stepping on the road. For if Killer Frost took control, her jealousy would be the first to come over and she would directly target the team.   
Iris was allowed to die a hero, but Caitlin would die succumbing to evil and letting angry and intense emotions drive her to the point of her demise, a crushing insanity falling and choking the life of what was, once, a pure and kind hearted soul before damaged by her attachments of love, whether Ronnie, Jay or now Barry.   
‘’No, I matter.’’ Caitlin said, locking eyes with herself in the reflection, gazing at the doe like brown eyes looking back from her within the glass. ‘’No…I matter. Do I matter?’’  
The confidence of her words started to ooze with fear and uncertainty as the negativity in her mind would capture her and for a quick second grapple with her in a fist fight, as if she was weighed down by boulders of intrusive and unwanted thoughts.  
‘’Killer Frost…Matters.’’ Caitlin said, her eyes widening with shock as the words flow out with a crisp naturalness that oozes from a subconscious position of mind aching thoughts used like a weapon. ‘’I don’t matter, but Killer Frost does.’’  
She shrugged lightly, before looking at the reflection again and shaking her head more aggressively the second time, her breaths becoming more rapid and her pants becoming more heavier as she looked around the bathroom that she was in. The world spun for a second, as a light dullness hit her in the head, making her feel as if she was present in a nightmare and couldn’t wake up, a confused buzzing hit her head as she looked around, her breaths quickening at the second, for a brief second the white icing eyes frosted over the beautiful chocolate brown, and Caitlin gasped.   
‘’No…I do matter. I’m a doctor, and Cisco’s best friend.’’ She said quickly to herself, as if the words uttering from her mouth could control the mind’s seizing control.  
It worked, for the eyes quickly returned to normal and the panting breaths were like an orchestra, slowing down as her normal and healthier mental state came to frame, allowing her to process her emotions within instead of a cascade of fear and anxiety.   
‘’I’m not going to live long will I…?’’ Caitlin asked herself looking in the mirror, feeling a sense of calmness rushing over her, a melancholic acceptance to her fate in life. ‘’I’m going to go, soon. Appreciate every second…Appreciate every second.’’  
For her and Iris’ life were bonded through the simple action of fate, both would be gone and erased from life, one removed with a legacy, the other removed with destruction. But even stronger, both were bonded to Barry, both whose love radiated when they saw his awkward giggles or heard his soft spoken voice. Despite barely talking, they were more connected than they thought.   
When she stepped back outside of the bathroom, she remembered where she was. An interactive building whose dark blue shadow and hue cast across the room, people were dancing in one section and others were taking orders for meals at the place across, in one section people were playing games and she could see H.R fumbling around with glee as it was his turn to do whatever the people in the group were playing. H.R was hilarious, and she found herself rolling her eyes, not only because of his childlike demeanor but because of how much he was a light for the team. When everything seemed to get angsty and dark, he could say a dumb joke and remind everyone that the fight was worth fighting. No one would say that to him, but eventually, one day, hopefully they would.   
Cisco’s face painted an expression of ‘what the heck’ as his eyebrows furrowed as he looked at H.R antics from across the room as he took a sip of his lemonade and touch the burrito on his plate lightly. ‘’Well…It seems like H.R’s having a good time. I can’t tell if he wanted to bring us along to showcase his social skills or for us to actually be involved doing something.’’  
Caitlin turned her head slightly to gaze at H.R and a quick smile flashed onto her face. ‘’I think H.R was right to bring us here, we need a bit of time to just unwind and try to…I don’t know…Try to forget.’’  
‘’Stop saying that like everything’s going to go wrong.’’  
‘’Maybe it is, Cisco.’’  
‘’Caitlin, no! Don’t think like that, you’ve got to be positive! The team’s not going to let anyone fall to Savitar’s prophecy, we’ve stopped time before.’’  
‘’And sometimes bad things still happen, Cisco. It’s best for us to try, but we also have to be prepared.’’   
Cisco shook his head and Caitlin was saddened by the optimism in his eyes that lit up when he mentioned saving everyone. Cisco always had this, at least when it came to her life, where he knew everything would be fine for her. But sometimes she felt it was delusion, that Cisco’s positivity was bitter and unrealistic. It was easier for her to accept her fate, but for Cisco, it was easier to do the reverse.   
‘’I’ve got to get something off my chest, Caitlin.’’ Cisco said, sighing, his eyes places on the ground below. ‘’I just feel that the stress and the tension…It’s kind of damaging our relationships.’’  
‘’I mean…Of course we’re all tense, Cisco. You can’t ask us to not be.’’  
‘’And I get that. But…I don’t know. Barry and I…Obviously we’ve had a lot of issues in our relationship, I didn’t think I could ever forgive him for what happened to Dante and I still have trouble forgiving him.’’ Cisco said, his eyes not directly placing itself on Caitlin’s.   
Whenever Barry’s name was brought up a piece of her heart would rise and a sense of protectiveness would wash over her chest.   
‘’Cisco, you have to fully forgive Barry. He could lose Iris now the same way you lost your brother and it was an effect from his mistake as well. He’s already suffering for changing the timeline.’’ Caitlin said gently and placidly.   
‘’Yeah and I get that. I totally do. I just…There’s a feeling of broken trust whenever the team’s meeting, and a lot of…Secrets.’’ Cisco said, and when his lips muttered the last word, he took a sip of his lemonade before his soft eyes would bounce up and lock Caitlin’s face in view for further emphasis.  
Her heart felt like it skipped a beat and paused for a second, almost out of a calculated uncertainty with her thoughts racing to figure out how to answer this statement without confirming his accusations. He was referring to her secrets…Or was he? A bit of anxiety started caressing her soul.   
‘’Cisco…I wasn’t quite happy that you told the team about me having powers so soon…But I see that was for the better.’’ Caitlin said, her eyes purposefully widening with fake innocence and her head, unconsciously, tilting slightly to the left.   
Cisco shook his head looking at her directly in the eye. ‘’It’s not that, Caitlin. I’m just…I’m just worried about you. You were always there for me when Dante died, you stayed over at my place, watched films with me, made popcorn, helped clean, do the dishes…Now that you’re having problems you don’t allow me to do the same thing. It’s like…I know you need space. But you needing space also scares me because it makes me feel powerless in being able to help and I don’t…I don’t trust you to take care of yourself.’’  
The truth in Cisco’s eyes echoed within her and the guilt started to rise. For he wasn’t wrong, she was unable to receive help, unable to let her emotions bubble to her mouth and speak to the ones close to her. She had suppressed her feelings for Barry for the greater good, she had failed to tell the team about her mental health struggles during her alone time, and she knew the team was there for her, but it was difficult to ever be able to speak for her own needs. Her mother had ingrained in her since early childhood that her problems didn’t matter in terms of the ‘bigger picture’, that someone was always having it worse than her. Thus…Maybe she never felt her emotions were ever something to properly deal with. She was good at being a doctor for others, but being a doctor for herself was challenging because when it came to the self vs others, taking care of others felt like it had more at stake.   
‘’I know…I know that I have a hard time talking about my issues.’’ Caitlin said softly.   
‘’It shouldn’t be like that. You shouldn’t have to feel the need to suppress it. I wish Barry would ask more how you were…We’re a team but he doesn’t seem to pay attention as much to us.’’ Cisco muttered.   
‘’Cisco! Barry’s going through a lot, the love of his life is about to die.’’ Caitlin said, her eyes widening in defense, and a soft pain emerged from her throat as she said the final lines, her heart felt a small ache and her finger dug into her palm.   
‘’But he never talks to us the same anymore. He can talk about his pain with us, we’re suffering too, none of us want Iris to die. Just because Iris is about to die doesn’t mean he shouldn’t do something as small as at least ask you how you are on occasion.’’ Cisco replied.  
He did. Barry did ask her how she was. On occasion for sure, maybe it wasn’t as frequent but Caitlin knew Barry cared. Maybe the stress was overloading him so he didn’t pay much attention to her as he could’ve, but she wasn’t his girlfriend. She wasn’t.   
‘’I’m not his girlfriend, Cisco.’’ Caitlin said harshly.  
‘’But you wish you were.’’ Cisco replied abruptly, suddenly, and with utmost certainty. His eyes never backed from hers as Caitlin’s immediately darted towards the floor.   
‘’No I don’t, Cisco. Stop making excuses for drama. You know that was a low blow.’’  
‘’It’s a low blow because you’re so tense over it when I mention it and you don’t want to acknowledge it.’’ Cisco said, his stern eyes softening at seeing his best friends hands slightly quiver and her brows furrow as her eyes looked at the floor with piercing sadness, eyes that were tense but now beginning to reveal the pain that the heart was reaping.   
‘’Caitlin, I’m not going to force you to talk about it, but I just think it’s best to communicate our problems and you can tell me.’’ Cisco began to say his head tilting side to side in anxiousness as his words came out in a softer tone.   
‘’Tell you what, Cisco?’’ Caitlin said and it was like a small amount of hot fiery lava was coming out of her mouth, like lava that was held within the mountain wanting to come out, yet choosing never to do so until now, a small amount had to come up, for it was bubbling harshly within. ‘’What am I supposed to tell you?’’   
‘’How you feel.’’ Cisco said, his eyes saddened, his voice lowered with softness.   
‘’How am I supposed to feel? And what do I tell you?’’ Caitlin asked him, her melancholic eyes opening and her head slightly shaking in disbelief. ‘’How am I supposed to tell you that…Every time he walks in the room, I just always finding myself looking at him. How am I supposed to tell you that when he’s not in the room, I accidentally look at the clock, and count the seconds gone by. How am I supposed to tell you about how the smiles on his face seem like it’s takes up an eternity of my life, or that I notice every spot and crevice in his skin or that when he needs medical attention, I feel so guilty, because every time I touch his arm or place my hand on him I feel a spark electrocute over my skin directly into my heart and I feel addicted, constantly wanting this moments to be permanent. I feel whole around him, like all the horrible moments of my past are just wiped away like water washing over me, and I actually feel okay? I actually feel happy? How am I supposed to tell you that I’m in love with the person who loves the woman who’s about to die, and somehow, every time he looks at her, it reminds me of how worthless I am to him?’’  
Cisco took a deep breath, his mouth twitched, and his eyes focused down onto the ground thinking and mulling over what he was going to say. ‘’I don’t know, Caitlin. I don’t know what to tell you except that this isn’t a position you should be in or something that you should feel. You deserve a lot of love.’’  
‘’I don’t know, Cisco, not with Killer Frost looming.’’ Caitlin replied.   
‘’You can’t seriously think that, Caitlin. Killer Frost isn’t you, you’re not a monster, not at all. You’re being way too hard on yourself and that isn’t healthy behavior. I’m concerned about it.’’   
Caitlin didn’t say anything, she gave a quick shrug and her eyes were still locked and fixated on the floor.  
‘’All I know’’ Cisco said. ‘’All I know is that you’re strong. One of the strongest people I’ve known, and you haven’t gotten what you deserved. The love you deserved. You’ve been hurt time and time again, and this is one of the worst things that can happen. Fighting Killer Frost and now your feelings for Barry…All I know is that…Right now, I need you to just hang in there for me, okay?’’  
That made her feel a bit better.   
‘’Just hold on’’ Cisco said, his eyes giving her the brotherly compassion that she always loved, he was her best friend. ‘’You’re a sister to me…’’  
‘’And you a brother…’’ Caitlin said gently, her eyes finally able to look up at him and the warmth that had been missing in her pupils finally rose and the sweetness that she always exuded exuded again and almost radiated the room.  
There was a silence, but there was peace within that silence. A calm feeling of relief that started to wash over, a feeling of sibling love and understand piercing between the two. A realization of family and a realization of their loving dynamic that made both of them feel supported. A looming guilt came over Caitlin, it was subtle but still there, for she knew that she couldn’t tell Cisco that things might’ve felt worse than he initially knew and that his optimism of the future wasn’t something she shared. But she held it in.   
‘’Okaaay, sooo…’’ H.R said, bursting into the scene had successfully dissolved the silence between them and the inner tension that was rising within. ‘’I need to tell ya something. Those people are absolutely fantastic playing games. Like, hear me out, we were playing charades and they guessed every one of mine when it was my turn.’’  
‘’Yeah, well you’re fairly expressive to say the least.’’ Cisco said, and Caitlin found the ‘wtf’ look coming over his face quickly, his eyes uncertain and funnily uncomfortable. It was the look he gave H.R all the time, not only did H.R wear the face of two mentors prior but he was the opposite of both of them.   
H.R gleefully took the seat next to him and his smile was huge on his face, ever expanding, radiating with impulsive joy bubbling like a volcano within him, his energy was infectious, spreading over them extremely quickly as they couldn’t help crack a faint, small smile even if they suppressed it, and boy did they try.   
‘’I’m going to get myself a refill.’’ Cisco said, he gave them both a quick smile and took the lemonade and hopped out of his seat.  
For once, H.R’s smile dwindled down and his eyes painted an expression of concern. A subtle concern but it was there, as if he was controlling the amount that his eyes allowed him to express. His fingers tapped gently.  
‘’I know it’s none of my business…’’ H.R said gently.   
‘’You heard didn’t you H.R?’’ Caitlin asked.   
‘’No, no, I just…I was walking by, and pfft, you were loud.’’ H.R said, his eyes pointed upwards and his face squirmed with fake innocence as his hands made gentle gestures.   
Caitlin raised her eyebrows and rolled her eyes playfully. ‘’I assume you have advice…?’’  
For some reason, H.R’s naivety and innocence made him easier to talk to. As if his ears could listen to her mouth ooze the words from her heart and perhaps…Maybe he had advice?  
‘’Ishq!’’ H.R said, his hands went up and they stayed in the air, before he made the gesture of them slowly falling to the table.  
‘’Ishq?’’ Caitlin asked, her eyebrows furrowed as her pupils gazed at him in confusion.   
‘’Indian culture. Specifically Hindi, I did a bit of studying of their mythology, terminology…It’s how I knew that Savitar was derived from an Indian god.’’ H.R said, a gleaming interest perking within his eyes. ‘’Ishq is a Hindi word that describes a form of love that describes infatuation, a willingness to do anything for the one you love even if it isn’t reciprocated.’’  
Caitlin squirmed slightly, her eyes drifting onto the floor.   
‘’But it can also lead to…The destruction of the self.’’ H.R said, his eyes becoming more solemn and serious.  
He was partially referencing to Killer Frost, who was fueled by all the negative emotions, who lived on it, who fed on it, who breathed it in and gained energy, lustily and hungrily wanting more within Caitlin’s mind causing her thoughts to spiral out of control. Barry was Caitlin’s needle, and that tiny needle, if pierced in deeply enough, could hit a vessel and cause the bleeding to be unstoppable. All Caitlin could do was nod to H.R, and he gave her a reassuring smile and granted it did make her feel better.   
‘’The thing is you don’t need to shut it out, you don’t need to reject it, you just need to breathe and keep breathing. Thing is, there’s no on and off button, there’s no this then that and everything works out, just feel it out…Let yourself feel, Caitlin. Destiny has its ways but the thing is we don’t know which way it’s going. I can’t tell you how your life will go since, alas, that’s knowledge for fate alone.’’  
H.R flicked his finger upwards and his eyes gazed at the ceiling as if fate was his personal accomplice hiding in the ceiling and he was secretly seeking approval. Caitlin’s face lit up slightly and a soft smile came onto her face, for everything he said helped. Frankly, she didn’t want to think too hard anymore or analyze her emotions too deeply. She wanted to do what H.R said, and that simple thing was breathing. She wanted to breathe, she wanted to feel that for once her breath wasn’t soft, timid, shaking, full of pain exploding in her face, she wanted to breath, just for now, just for a second, with a peaceful serenity coming over her throat. Music started to play in the background, it was upbeat, and it felt…Good. The sounds of the drum echoed within her ear, the lyrics started to seep and sink into her, the rhythm started to be felt within her heartbeat, a natural smile came onto her face. Her mind slightly relaxing, her pulse beating with serenity, the groove started to cause a feeling within her. People started to flock towards a stage like area in the front, people slowly started to click their bodies, flicking a few movies, giving a soft smile and starting to twirl around with others.   
‘’Let’s dance…All three of us.’’ Caitlin said, the smile remaining on her face.  
H.R’s eyes perked up in excitement which was stained by an uncertainty since the woman the words came out of was usually relatively methodical and systematic.   
‘’Why nooot?’’ H.R said. ‘’I’ll follow your lead!’’  
When she got up from her chair and started to click her fingers, her laugh started to bloom within her and it was something she hadn’t felt all that often. H.R started clapping his hands together, his smile also blossoming and his concealed enthusiasm fully bubbling and exploding from within.   
Cisco walked by, taking a sip from his drink, before his eyebrows raised at seeing Caitlin starting to shake her shoulders. He shrugged and a smile planted onto his face as well, he started to shake his shoulders as he placed the drink off the counter.   
People from around the room all started to dance too, there was this…Bliss in the air as the music played. Caitlin danced softly, a dance that had touches and faintness of shyness, while Cisco was beginning to flick his hair again and beat his head to the rhythm. H.R successfully made everyone cringe yet laugh as he did a poorly done Moonwalk before successfully doing the floss in front of everyone, a smile gleaming over his face.  
It was like the pain stood still, for a second, a brief second, it was evanescent and fading away. She was becoming numb to the feelings of bliss and the feelings of soft euphoria that was rising within her chest, it was an emotion of relaxation, of peace. Fleeting moments where Barry Allen didn’t rule and live within her mind, fleeting moments of, for once, taking a breath, making a dance move and actually being glad to be alive, to realize the small qualities that were tucked away within life’s everyday moments.   
It felt rather incredible, for brief minutes. The room igniting in a flow of dancing, her hair gently moving, Cisco and H.R going rather crazy for a few seconds in and a few seconds out. The lyrics of the pop song sunk into everyone, as if they could just be there, existing, sharing this small wonderful moment, everyone was engaged, everyone was active, and in a sense, no one knew each other but in this brief moment everyone felt like they were all…Human. There was no looming fear of a meta human or a distrust of a fellow being, there was no pride or anger, there was no discrimination, they were all…Dancing, and they were all breathing.   
H.R started shaking his hips and a glimmering smile was plastered all over his face, his eyes basically smiled on their own. ‘’Yeehaw!’’  
Cisco did a smooth dance move waving his arm. ‘’Enjoying the dance, Caitlin? Surprised to see you like this.’’  
‘’H.R teaches people to live in the moment I guess.’’ She replied softly.   
H.R gave them both a wink and the three of them were now doing an unprepared and completely random little group dance, both of them in front of the other and it was fun, very fun. It was fun to see both of them smile and laugh, from H.R’s bouncing and glimmering spark of laughter extending to the edges of his ears, and Cisco’s childlike smile that wasn’t as wide as H.R’s but still felt powerful, fulfilling, lovable and adorable. H.R busted the robot dance and Cisco, with faked annoyance, did it alongside him.   
The music caught up to her ears, all she could feel was each beat of the song, by now a country song started playing and she could hear every texture and sound of the song with accuracy, every piercing rhythm of euphoria from the song radiated within her. Now a smile was bursting onto her face, equaling the euphoria the song gave and her eyes briefly ignited with excitement. She felt okay. She felt happy.   
But it was like in the corner of her eyes, she imagined something. Her brain allowed her to feel okay…For a few seconds, but before she could even feel it for more than 15 minutes, it started to creep, slowly into her mind, and she didn’t mean to let her mind wander, nor did she want to, but sadly it did.   
In her imagination she could see Barry watching her dance, he was wearing a beige colored jacket and his hands were in his pocket. His brown eyes sparkled with adorable love and a cute, soft smile painted onto his face.   
It was like he was watching her be happy, and that happiness for her made her heart pound with intensity since it felt like maybe he…Cared. Slowly, in her mind, Barry crept towards her past everyone else on the stage and planted himself next to her.  
He’d reach out his hand, and she’d touch it. A spark of electricity would flow within her, and she’d caress it gently before gripping it tighter, hoping to never let it go. He’d bring her closer to his chest and placed her ear on his heart, and every second of his beating heart would make her eyes widen and hold on tighter, as if he’d soon disappear.   
He’d slowly rock her back and forth, giving a laugh of his own, as he’d twirl her around, and make her feel…Embarrassingly like…Like a princess, like a queen. Like someone he loved. Like someone he needed. Like she was precious to him.   
And Barry would softly kiss her forehead and smile at H.R and Cisco with H.R making a heart with his hands and Cisco rolling his eyes in fake amusement but a smile couldn’t help but be plastered again.  
Then…He faded, he disappeared. She was all alone, dancing to the song of the room, and she paused for a second. Her mind’s work could no longer sustain the vision of his presence.   
Ishq.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed! 
> 
> Have a great holiday!


	3. What Was Love?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the slight hiatus, but I've been writing off and on. I really enjoyed writing this chapter and this fic in general is super enjoyable to write. Hope you can gain emotional insight and satisfaction from this chapter! Hope you enjoy.

What was love?  
Caitlin would frequently write that in her journal at random moments as she tried to piece together the answer. It was a difficult one to answer, one where the answer never seemed clear and one where the answer seemed to vary.   
It was confusing her and she felt lost. She tried to distract herself. The question would be ruminating within her head quite frequently and she wasn’t sure what to do about it. She knew that it wasn’t an answer to be explained to but an answer to be discovered.   
So she tried to take her mind from the negatives of her life and hang out with Wally, Jesse and Julian. But hanging out with Julian only made her realize the more she was in love with Barry. She remembered one time, they went with Wally and Jesse all as friends to go have a drink at the bar. She enjoyed watching Wally and Jesse awkwardly be romantic with each other, figuring each other out and climbing the ropes and stairways of love. She liked the way Julian would be visibly confused by the adorable nature of Wally and Jesse’s connection, and she found that the group would have interesting discussions about fascinating concepts.   
How she knew that she and Julian weren’t meant to be anything more than two friends taking about saving the day or random irrelevant topics. Caitlin knew Julian sort of liked her, but she also knew she had to end whatever interest he had in her before she disappointed him. She didn’t really like him that way, but she did enjoy his company. She enjoyed the way he’d allow his guard down around her, she’d enjoy the way he’d give an awkward smile and laugh or the way his eyes frantically widened and panicked when he said something unintentionally rude.   
So the two decided to be mutual friends and Julian agreed that he himself didn’t really think he wanted to try something either but he admitted his desire to be a friend whom she could lean on.   
Caitlin enjoyed hearing that but the words she always needed to say was…Difficult to communicate to say the least. There wasn’t any solution to her problems except, well, to heal from them, and with Killer Frost raging in the back of her mind at times, she started to notice that she was more relaxed these days.  
She frequently made sure her power dampening cuffs were powered and fully charged, that allowed her to mentally be somewhat stable. She found that her body was tired from the stress she had put it through, so she was reaching a time where things were kind of…Just nothing. She knew deep down she was depressed, but she couldn’t handle it anymore so her mind would just hide a cloaked veil on it and hope to deal with it later.   
It felt like she was seeing love everywhere, and it bothered her. Jesse had come to Earth 1 for fun to see Wally, and the two’s chemistry was so energetic and infectious that it had the whole team radiating with energy. H.R would sing love songs when they entered, to the couple’s embarrassment and Cisco’s amusement while Barry and Iris would roll their eyes and subtly touch their fingertips together before Barry would wrap his hand tighter around hers.   
Even for Cisco, his mind was usually preoccupied these days and it seemed the thought of Gypsy would get him in a better mood. She knew Cisco would occasionally write fake letters and hide them in his drawer.   
Even annoying but lovable H.R would hold group sessions within Central City’s town halls weekly where he’d celebrate the concept of romance and idealize it. His social gatherings were apparently quite the spot for people already in love and in a relationship. Caitlin found herself tuning herself out when he mentioned it.   
She wasn’t like them. She wasn’t a young adult like Wally and Jesse with naivety and searching for fun, granted she never was but truth be told she could never be any-ways, but she also wasn’t Barry and Cisco, whose eyes would light up with positivity when they thought of love and she wasn’t H.R, whose belief in love was stronger than hers.  
She was different. She was a young woman who fought the demons in her head everyday, who thought of death at least every now and then, a widowed broken lover whose loss overshadowed her gain and remain stuck to her like tar, whose belief in love was faltering every time she saw Barry.   
Maybe she wished she could scream at every couple to appreciate every second they had because you never know when you’ll lose something, or maybe she wanted to scream everything she felt at Barry and disappear.   
But no, Caitlin was dignified. She was mature, she was always a source of stability. She’d make her bed every morning in a specific way, she’d clean the house and mop the floors distracting herself, she’d know every efficient way to clean a wound or treat a patient, she’d review and study scientific works of knowledge to gain more.  
Yes, that was Caitlin. The Caitlin she wanted to be. Calm, methodical, stable. But the Caitlin that was emerging recently in her life was a different Caitlin. It was a tired, scared and lonely little girl trapped in her life and finally reappearing right now.   
A little girl searching for her father. A little girl whose judged by her mother. A little girl who just wants her best friend to hold her hands. And by best friend…She meant partner. A partner like Ronnie or Barry.  
But both were so close yet so out of reach. Ronnie dead and Barry’s love? More dead than alive for sure in its strength. How could it ever be? And why would she ever expect something different?  
She was wiping the kitchen counter and bumped into the boxed up cardboard of the chocolate fountain she bought weeks ago. She rolled her eyes for she had no idea why she bought something as stupid as that but Cisco begged for her to get it just in case he found a girlfriend and needed it and then proceeded to forget about it and never mentioned it ever again. Now the fountain was boxed up in packaging and annoyed the living daylights of her.  
Her hands remained sealed on the cloth as she moved it towards the fridge and she started to give the shiny metal a meticulous wipe before her eyes darted to a picture she kept on her refrigerator. She frowned softly, as her finger pushed away the strand of hair in front of her eye, her lips pursed but her eyes focused. She saw the picture of the Star Labs team she had kept on the silver surface of the fridge that reminded her of better times. Barry’s smile was brighter and less burdened, she was more relaxed, Cisco seemed looser.   
Her eyes focused on Barry’s lips and her fingers started to gently caress the picture. Her finger laced around his face and his lips before a seemingly hostile presence started to take over her. She felt it but was unprepared for it, she didn’t sense the shadows and didn’t seen the quiet dull whisperings in her head. She knew it was there, but she hadn’t felt its presence for a while until now, and she couldn’t quite resist it.   
Her eyes flickered. Her voice trembled. Her finger still caressing the picture.   
‘’You’re mine, Barry…Yes or no, you’re mine.’’ She said as her eyes turned icy and a breath of icy particles released from her chest flowed from her mouth, leaving a trail of white in the air.   
Barry’s place in the picture started to cover with faded mild white icy frost, just enough so that the residue could be seen and his face was still evident. She traced her finger along the picture before arriving at her own face, a soft tear wanting to come out but somehow was unable to.   
Her finger started to shake as she thought of Iris, he eyebrows furrowing, and the hole in her chest starting to rise higher and fill her lungs. The tear didn’t come out, instead being met with tension in her eyelids as he finger started to shake more erratically. The ice coming from her finger was enough to snap the picture in half, separating her side and Barry’s side in two.  
Then the tear came out. She broke the picture, and the guilt started to settle in as she desperately snapped out of the raging emotions and landed on the shore of normality. Her eyes turning brown and her fingers no longer cold, letting her knees softly drop onto the ground and picking up the separate sheets of the picture. It was broken and tattered as she tried to tape it up together, the edge of the picture’s split tear evident and the separation between her and Barry made her engulf in annoyance and irritation.   
Exhaustion. That’s what she felt boiling within her. An aching stab at her heart that slowly pierced and tingled within her chest. As if her bones were splitting and tearing as she felt the weight of her muscle pull down from within her legs.   
The knock from the door made the tension momentarily slip and fade as her head bobbed up to look at her door hinges. She quickly took the picture and tucked it into her sweater pocket, before pressing her hands together, as if she was preparing for something. She took a deep breath and curled her finger around a lock of her hair before walking towards the door and unlocking the hinges.   
Wally West stood in front of her, an awkward chuckle coming over his face and his eyebrows were raised in fascination at the cleanliness of her house. His hands were in his pockets and he was wearing a black unzipped cotton jacket with ripped jeans and a grey t shirt revealing itself from the unzipped jacket.   
‘’Hey, uh, hi Caitlin.’’ Wally said, clearly trying to make small talk before diving into a discussion deeper than the ones one mutters when seeing a friend.   
‘’Wally! What a…Pleasant surprise?’’ Caitlin said, her eyebrows raised in curiosity and she took a step back as she allowed her hand to guide Wally in. She closed the door and Wally took a few steps forward before turning.   
‘’I hope I didn’t interrupt.’’ He said gently.   
‘’Trust me, there was nothing that I was doing that was worth any of my time.’’ Caitlin replied gently, a small smile flickering onto her face.   
‘’I know that feeling’’ Wally said with a grin and a soft nod, before his eyes plastered onto the floor and his lips grimaced. ‘’See, I came here because I was wondering if you could help me out…Y’know with a few things with Jessie.’’  
Caitlin’s eyes raised and her face became slightly solemn. ‘’Sure, Wally. Are you have relationship issues?’’  
‘’See, that’s the thing. No.’’ Wally said, the grimace on his face softly turning into a cheeky smile. ‘’Before she goes back to Earth 2, I wanted to give her something…Like something really meaningful. Problem is…I don’t know what to give.’’  
When she analyzed the way his eyes shifted up and down from the wall to the floor with soft nervousness and peaks of youthful love, her head started to tilt and her eyes widened as her hands softly touched each other tracing her skin as her mind started to be consumed by thoughts.   
‘’Tell her how you feel and write all the words you would say as if they were your last.’’ Caitlin said gently.   
Wally smiled timidly for a second as his fingers rubbed against each other. ‘’That’s…That’s it? Do you think that would be enough? Instead of something like flowers or…Y’know something kind of big?’’  
‘’Nothing can be bigger than genuine words from the heart, Wally. You know that Jesse isn’t looking for a extravagant boyfriend only a genuine one.’’ Caitlin said, a soft smile flickering onto her face.   
‘’Then I should…I should do it right now.’’ Wally said his eyes scanning the room.  
Caitlin smiled and anticipated before retrieving a nice piece of thickened paper and gave him the pen. His smile glimmered and twinkled as he placed the pen on the blank sheet of space and before she knew it, she saw a blur of action and movement before realizing he was speed writing with his powers. Boy, nothing more characteristically Wally then using your powers for nearly everything.   
She felt envy twinkling in the back of her mind as she watched him quickly writing, clearly enjoying being loved and relishing in the feeling of love as he simultaneously enjoyed using his speed for fun and to help others. Wally seemed so happy with everything he had and sometimes she wishes she could exchange her life for his.  
For he could spend time with the one he loved and have that love shared, for he could enjoy his powers instead of having to battle the depths of his mind constantly and be terrified, panicked and stressed about the future on a daily basis. For in Wally’s pocket was a love letter to the person he was infatuated with, in Caitlin’s pocket was a tattered and broken picture of Barry Allen that she creepily stared at and traced with an icy, cold finger in a battle within herself and the demon within her.   
‘’Honestly…This was a great idea.’’ Wally said, his boyish grin returning to his face as he snapped Caitlin out of her deep mental processes.   
‘’That was rather quick, you sure you managed to convey your feelings without rushing?’’ Caitlin said, a soft roll of the eyes occurring and a cheeky, teasing smile smoothly transitioning onto her face.   
‘’Yeah, actually…It did.’’ Wally said. ‘’Thanks for the idea.’’  
Seeing his enthusiasm made her feel better. She didn’t know what it was, but it felt like being a doctor and telling a child that their medical exam was successful before giving the child a lollipop and seeing the joy exude on their face. Caitlin’s heart felt like it dipped into a bath of euphoria and his smile spread onto hers too.   
‘’You get so happy when you think of her…’’ Caitlin said, softness and melancholy tinting her voice.  
‘’I’m really happy we’re together…Happy I met her.’’ Wally said nodding, his smile soft and light.   
Caitlin nodded in return as she felt her heart squeeze and slightly tighten. A soft pull at her heartstrings, a small yet soft pain stabbing within her chest.   
‘’You going to use that chocolate fountain?’’ Wally said, seeing the unopened box on one of the desks.   
‘’I’m not sure…I don’t have much use for it.’’ Caitlin said, an image of her and Barry dipping strawberries within it flickering into her head as he’d gently nudge some chocolate off of her chin and kiss her gently on the lips.   
‘’Anyways, I’ll see you later.’’ Wally said as he walked towards the door. Caitlin followed him out the door, said her goodbyes, and watched him walk down the hall. She smiled at his youthful energy as he strutted out with such confidence and excitement. Youthful naivety she knew she never had nor could she ever experience. Her story was different.   
Her pocket seemed to weigh down on her as she remembered the torn picture that she kept, and the guilt crawled back into her head as her fingers trembled touching the picture and stroking Barry’s face. The guilt started to flood down, breaking the wooden gates of her soul and covering the interior with unstoppable water that drowned her.  
She glanced at the chocolate fountain and an idea sprung within her head. An idea that could possibly relieve her of the guilt, and build a dam to stop the water from penetrating and destroying. Anything that could get the pangs of guilt to lessen, and it was a method she learned as a doctor.  
A method that goes as follows: To heal is the first priority and a sacrifice must be made.   
Doctors made many sacrifices in order to heal others. But one sacrifice that isn’t mentioned as much is one of the heart, and the pain the heart must give in order to truly heal. But this time, it wasn’t out of pure generosity, it was an attempt to stop the guilt.   
Or was that love? Was the answer to her question finally answered? Was love about sacrifice? Was love helping the very thing that destroys you because being destroyed in it while making the object of your destruction happy the whole point? Or was she missing pieces to a puzzle and misreading everything?  
Caitlin opened the box out and took the chocolate fountain out before putting it onto a cart and she walked outside her door, shut it, and wheeled it on out to the car. She didn’t know if this was love or out of severe desperation to ease the guilty pain that Killer Frost fed off of constantly. But what she did know is that she suddenly felt determined to do it.   
She set it up in the middle of the Speed Lab, placed a small table with two chairs on both sides of the table and placed the medium sized chocolate fountain next to it. She made sure everything was functioning and working properly with the medium sized fountain before clicking the button seeing the brown liquid beautifully drip down oozing a chocolate smell and reeking of romance.   
She placed a card from the same material as Wally’s thick paper and wrote down Barry and Iris’s names before pulling her phone out. She texted Barry that the team had a surprise for him and Iris in the Speed Lab and Barry texted back with a thank you and a cute emoji.   
Sooner than later she found herself hidden near the walls. She wanted to see how Barry reacted. She saw him and Iris come in and the tug of her pain consumed her heart, as her eyes started flickering when it saw Iris’s hand wrapped around his. For a brief second, she felt cold and angry, but then her eyes moved towards Barry. Her eyes turned brown again and a softness formed within her heart.  
Despite her pain, in this reciprocating act of kindness, she felt a sense of happiness bubble in her heart, but a deadening numbness comes over her soul as if it was being pricked and stung deeply by a small needle and while she felt the burning and sting, it would softly fade into an uncertain feeling of emptiness, as if her heart wanted to feel the pain and feel the burning sensation of that pain but was too tired to process it so it proceeded to just feel…Neutral, numbness.   
And somehow the feeling of sacrifice felt good for her, perhaps because it was a human trait that took courage and compassion to do, but also become it was something she’s always wanted to do and has done her life. Sacrificing her relationship with her mother for her job at Star Labs to help people, sacrificing the safety in her job to be dangerously helping a superhero, sacrificing her medical knowledge to help Barry in secret when she could’ve been a higher paid doctor in a safer environment anywhere else. But those never felt like sacrifices, those were things she loved doing, things that she would sacrifice within a heartbeat, things where stupid things like materialism or fame didn’t matter to her. She never ever thought twice over those sacrifices.  
But then came Barry, where sacrificing didn’t come within the split of a second or a blink of an eye, but came with uncertainty, a selfish pause in consideration, where a minute would pass as the storm in her heart thundered and sparked. For sacrificing Barry wasn’t something she ever wanted to do, and possibly couldn’t ever do, yet here she was trying to do it. It’s not like he was hers to give but it also wasn’t like she could just let it go. For if this act of kindness could make her a better person in her own eyes, she didn’t know, all she knew is that she felt a need to be punished, and in a way, her self destruction felt a viable option for the monster deep down inside her. And maybe if she helped Iris, she could feel better about her own insecurities.   
But then that smile spread over his face, his pale skin would light up and reflect from the lights from the wall, his eyes would bounce around the room as he spoke almost like he was reading an invisible teleprompter that were on the corners of the wall, or his white teeth shining as he gave a toothy grin, or the spot right on his cheek, or the softness of his nose. For a second, everything felt okay for Caitlin. Everything could be forgotten, the pain. The suffocating void Ronnie left finally filled the emptiness in her heart with bundles of warmth, the agonizing torture of Jay’s toxic love finally healed and the bloody wounds became healing scars, the rupturing anxiety of thoughts being forced into her brain with the impending battle between her and Killer Frost would settle as if the ocean waves were finally not cascading onto the shore but instead gently came onto the sand wetting it. All this peace, this tranquil feeling of wholeness and fulfillment, a feeling of gratitude and appreciation, all came from one look at him, all at the moment of his smile, which wasn’t ever directed at her and never would be.  
If Caitlin could appreciate the small evanescent seconds of gazing at him, appreciate every small minuscule second, what would her appreciation look like had those small seconds of admiration and love washed over into an hour, or a lifetime? For that answer might never answer, and would never answer, frankly, and perhaps a life without that answer wasn’t worth it.  
But right now there was a small joy sweetened with the feelings of generosity. Iris smiled as she dipped her small piece of baguette into the small chocolate fountain as they both sat down with each other, she’d swirl her purple wine in her glass as they both pressed their glasses together with a small clang, and stare into each others eyes. Maybe, for a split second, Caitlin wasn’t jealous, but happy, in a small sweetened way ripened with feelings of gratitude that she could make them smile. It looked like the stress Iris was hiding deep in her eyes had faded away and she was able to savor the moment with Barry temporarily letting the unresting thoughts of the future settle down and calm.   
As she turned away, she walked down the corridor and outside, where the cooler night air would hit her skin, and she put her hands inside the pocket of her hoodie as she went to her car. As she opened the door, she went inside and closed it, before taking breaths, making sure they were deep, controlled, poised to calm the approaching franticness that could potentially ensue.   
But there wasn’t any frantic thoughts or restless beating within her chest, there didn’t seem to be the typical anxiety looming behind, as if she could rest within her mind with a feeling of calmer and more peaceful tranquility.   
She put her seat belt and gazed out at Star Labs, how beautiful it stood by itself, slightly damaged, but what was remarkable was the empty parking lot, showing the signs of the time and how time has changed ever so much. One time, she and Ronnie would step outside and have to find where their car was park, she remembered during colder fall days his hand would warm hers as it remained pressed and constant in her life, something she wish she could’ve savored when she had it.   
And time. Time was their biggest enemy. All of them, the whole team had been plagued by time in some sort of way. Barry, directly, with his experiences of manipulating the time streams and coming back to a timeline where things remained slightly changed, or with Cisco, whose brother was lost because of Barry’s indirect timeline change. Caitlin knew time was lurking around the corner and the visions of an angry and pained soul with white hair and crisp eyes would battle Cisco would eventually come. And Iris, especially, whose days were outnumbered and constantly being counted down with each ticking second. Or even Wally, who was constantly pressured to gain a bit more speed as he trained each coming day, and H.R who already had a debacle with time as he was pressured to go back to Earth 19 and be executed.   
And time would have Iris West Allen wedded to Barry, which was the least concerning and selfish thing to hate time for, but for her it weighed on her mind as so many things did.  
There was a calendar that was placed on the seat next to her, a small miniature one that she’d keep to track time and schedule things keeping her sense of routine, but all those dates and weeks were only a reminder of the pain to follow, of the disaster that would be sure to commence, of the misery that would unfold.   
What was love? How come that still didn’t feel answered? Was that to remain unknown and unanswered? The stress, for a second, yet again flashed through her mind, and all that was left of the miniature calendar was torn pieces scattering across the parking lot as she drove away.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm fascinated by Caitlin's character arc during Season 3. The scenes where she breathes and the shower water turns into ice and where she's cutting a piece of her white hair off while looking into the mirror really impacted me. I really wanted to capture the emotional tension in her mind, and as someone who's always been intrigued by SnowBarry, I wanted to dive into a more darker theme of unrequited love from Caitlin's part. I really enjoyed diving into her mind.


End file.
